Blackjack is a game that requires the mastery of many complex and exhaustive strategies and tactics from card counting to camouflage and dealer psychology. With all that to work on (especially if you’re working your way through the card counting tutorial) we thought a little humor might be in order.

You spend all your time trying to ‘Beat the Dealer’ but for now, let’s poke fun. These are our favorite dealer one liners best savored when the players around you make silly or otherwise disastrous mistakes.

The Dealer

For card counters: Bad camouflage is winking at the dealer. Especially if they’re of the same sex.

Don’t bother counting cards with your fingers at the blackjack table.

Don’t try to psyche out the blackjack dealer by staring at him for 5 minutes, he might call for medical help.

Don’t ask the guy next to you if he can break a five.

Don’t ask the blackjack dealer if he knows any good card tricks.

Tip for Tat

It’s early afternoon in a lush Vegas casino and the blackjack tables are mostly empty except for one where a dealer and a player are quietly arguing. The customer has been difficult, the cards have been worse. He sits there with a 13 in his hand. After an hour the idea of tipping the dealer comes up when another player visibly tips a dealer at another table. The dealer looks expectantly at the player who responds, ‘When the cards are bad, I don’t blame you. And when they are good, it’s not because you gave them out, so why should I tip you?’

And the dealer, ‘When you eat out do you tip the waiter?’

‘Of course.’

‘The same deal applies. The waiter isn’t the chef he can’t control the perfection of the meal. As I am serving you cards you should also tip me.’

‘Okay, you got me. But first I’ll have an 8.’

The Ladies

The Letter:

Dear Peter,

I was wrong to think that I could live without you. I’ve been dying each day since I broke off our engagement. I’ll do anything to win back your love. I was a fool. Let me love you forever….

xoxox

Love + kisses,

Jennifer

PS. Congratulations on winning all that money at blackjack the other weekend.

To the Beach or to the Mountains

A long married couple is finishing a weekend retreat in Las Vegas. The husband has just returned from the Blackjack tables to their suite to find his wife. ‘Lindsay! Quick! Pack your bags! I just won $275,000 dollars!’ His wife’s face explodes with joy. Laughing she asks, ‘How fabulous! But to where my darling? Shall I pack for the beach or the mountains?’

‘Why should I care?’ He replies calling his tax accountant. ‘As long as you’re out by midnight!’

The Men’s Room

Bob was down on his luck in Las Vegas in a big way. He had gambled so much at the blackjack tables that he had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. When he got there the stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and -lo and behold- hit the jackpot. Riding his new luck, he took his winnings and went to the blackjack table. Soon his small winnings turned into over five million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Bob went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. Each time he related the story, he emphasized his eternal gratitude to his unknown benefactor. And he ended on a wistful note that if he ever found this man he would share his fortune with him. After months of these lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you the dime.”

“You’re not the one I’m looking for. I’m looking for the guy who left the door open!”

Translation

A group of local gamblers from the suburbs were on a junket to Las Vegas. Everyone had a good time, except one of the men who happened to win a staggering $150,000 at the Blackjack tables one night. Not wanting any of the others to know about it, he took a later plane home and in the dead of night went to the back yard and buried the entire sum. When he woke up the next morning to contemplate his next move, he saw a large hole where the money had been buried. A trail of mud lead to the next door neighbor’s house. The man who lived there was both deaf and mute. He quickly thought of a professor who lived not too far away that he knew regularly communicated with and was friendly with the deaf man. He grabbed his pistol and made off for the professors house. They were at the neighbor’s house when the situation heated up. The lucky gambler screamed at the professor, “Tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my $150,000 I’m going to kill him!”

The professor communicated the message to his friend and the man then replied that he had hidden it under the cherry tree in his own back yard

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”

The Voice

This is a story about a nice guy from New Jersey. He had all the things you could think to want: a great job, beautiful wife, big house and two adorable kids. One day at work he started hearing a voice that said, ‘Quit your job, sell your house and move to Las Vegas!’ He shrugged it off but it didn’t go away. Every day the voice was there, more and more urgent that ever, ‘Quit your job, sell your house and move to Las Vegas!’ he was at the point of madness when he decided that the only thing that he could do was follow the instructions. To the the amazement of his coworkers he quit his job, to the horror of his wife he sold the house and to the bewilderment of his kids he left for Vegas. He was convinced that this was his destiny. Once he arrived the voice reappeared. ‘Go to the first casino.’ He charged into first casino he saw. Then the Voice said, ‘Go to the high rollers blackjack table. Put all your money down on the first hand.’ So he did, without any hesitation. The dealer put the cards out, and was showing a 9. The man had a 12. The Voice said, ‘Take a hit.’ He scratched the table, and picked up a ten for 22. The Voice then said, ‘Aw, crap!’

What Are the House Rules, exactly?

A dealer watches amazed as a chimp walks through the casino floor and sits down at his blackjack table, the beast’s handler humbly in tow. The dealer clears his throat and explains, “I’m sorry sir, only humans are allowed at these blackjack tables.” The animal handler snorts, “Kyle the Chimp knows more about blackjack than most humans. He has all the hand signals down. He taps when he wants a hit, waves his hand over the cards when he wants to stand, and matches his bet on a split or double!” The dealer looks confused and asks, “What does it mean when he waves both hands wildly in the air like that?” The handler blinks swallows hard then mutters, “It means he has just peed on your leg, sir.”

Oldest Joke in the Book

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are playing blackjack when the police raid their home game on an illegal gambling ring tip-off, likely a neighbor. The cop turns to the priest and asks: “Father, were you just gambling?” The priest exclaims, “The Lord does not allow me to gamble. You know that Patrick, you’re from my parish!” The cop, chastened, then asks the minister: “Pastor, were you gambling?” The minister sincerely replies, “This is our Sabbath, officer, I would never game on the Sabbath!” The priest pins the cop with a glare and he lets it drop. Turning to the rabbi, sheepishly, the officer ventures to ask: “Rabbi, I don’t suppose that you were you gambling?” The Rabbi looks left then looks right and asks: “Who could I possibly be gambling with?”

Best Blackjack Humor Quote

“A few months ago, Newsweek published a horribly gushing cover story about iPods, and one of the authors referred to the iPod’s “shuffling your library with the expertise of a Las Vegas blackjack dealer.” Given my experience at both Las Vegas blackjack and the iPod “shuffle” feature, I can only hope to find a table that has the kind of consistency found in the shuffle feature: I would be a very wealthy man.”